1
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2
00:00:07,680 --> 00:00:11,230


3
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but you don't ask questions

4
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5
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6
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and the tides of the sea

7
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8
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9
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You'd better get ready for school, Damien.

10
00:00:56,200 --> 00:00:59,830
- I am ready.
— Oh, right.

11
00:01:00,000 --> 00:01:02,719
- All right, Dad?
— Ooh.

12
00:01:02,880 --> 00:01:06,350
— Was that a contraction?
— No. Indigestion.

13
00:01:06,520 --> 00:01:09,273
It was that bacon burger I had for breakfast.

14
00:01:09,440 --> 00:01:12,159
You never used to eat bacon or burgers.

15
00:01:12,320 --> 00:01:17,474
I'm craving bacon now.
Bacon and Rolos — together.

16
00:01:17,640 --> 00:01:21,190
When I was having Damien,
I had a craving for tuna.

17
00:01:21,360 --> 00:01:23,749
Tuna for breakfast, lunch and dinner.

18
00:01:23,920 --> 00:01:28,437
It was horrible. Saying goodnight to her
was like kissing Japan.

19
00:01:28,600 --> 00:01:33,959
- Shut up!
— How's it gonna be when I go into labour?

20
00:01:34,120 --> 00:01:36,589
Some women just sail through.

21
00:01:36,760 --> 00:01:40,515
I remember when Mum
was giving birth to Rodney,

22
00:01:40,680 --> 00:01:44,913
she said it was the worst experience of her life.

23
00:01:45,080 --> 00:01:48,072
That doesn't mean
Cassandra will have a bad time.

24
00:01:48,240 --> 00:01:51,119
No...I see what you mean. No.

25
00:01:51,280 --> 00:01:56,229
- You should have a nice easy birth.
- Why?

26
00:01:56,400 --> 00:02:01,839
Well, look at you. You and Rodney
are both very skin...slim, aren't you?

27
00:02:02,000 --> 00:02:07,678
So the chances of you having
a very skinny...slimmy baby are very high.

28
00:02:07,840 --> 00:02:09,911
You won't have to push so hard.

29
00:02:10,080 --> 00:02:13,675
Your little sprog will come shooting out like that.

30
00:02:13,840 --> 00:02:17,117
— Del, please!
— Sometimes you overstep the mark.

31
00:02:17,280 --> 00:02:22,400
No. Cassandra won't need a midwife
in the delivery room.

32
00:02:22,560 --> 00:02:25,916
What she will need is a goalkeeper.
"Here it comes!"

33
00:02:27,960 --> 00:02:31,874
— Come on. You'll be late.
— Ready for school, son?

34
00:02:32,040 --> 00:02:36,910
- Sunglasses, Walkman, mobile phone?
— Yeah. Don't fuzz me, man.

35
00:02:37,080 --> 00:02:41,313
- Off you go.
- I think I'lL have a lie—down.

36
00:02:41,480 --> 00:02:43,790
Up we get.

37
00:02:49,200 --> 00:02:51,760
I don't know if Cassandra feels up to it,

38
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but she was planning to spend the day
at her parents' house.

39
00:02:55,640 --> 00:03:00,476
- I thought I might go with her.
— Yeah. We'll meet you down the pub later.

40
00:03:00,640 --> 00:03:05,077
I'll get a bacon sandwich and a packet
of Werther's Original for Cassandra.

41
00:03:05,240 --> 00:03:08,631
— Do you think she's all right?
— She's fine.

42
00:03:08,800 --> 00:03:14,193
She's had buckets of pork and toffee.
She's bound to feel a bit gippy.

43
00:03:14,360 --> 00:03:18,035
Yeah, you're right. We'd better do something.

44
00:03:18,200 --> 00:03:23,229
- I thought we'd go down Ronnie Nelson's...
— No, not today, Rodney.

45
00:03:23,400 --> 00:03:27,837
— Del, Rodney is the managing director.
— Yes. I'm in charge.

46
00:03:28,000 --> 00:03:31,356
I know. I'm going to put some flowers
on Mum's grave.

47
00:03:31,520 --> 00:03:34,399
- I'll come with you.
- No.

48
00:03:34,560 --> 00:03:37,234
Stay here and look after Cassandra.

49
00:03:37,400 --> 00:03:41,553
Yeah. If she feels better,
I'll go down Ronnie's place.

50
00:03:41,720 --> 00:03:44,075
No. If she bucks up,

51
00:03:44,240 --> 00:03:50,316
take her and Raquel over to her mum's
and stay with them in case of car—jacking.

52
00:03:50,480 --> 00:03:54,189
On your Capri Ghia? Yeah, right.

53
00:03:54,360 --> 00:03:56,431
- Oi!
—- What?

54
00:03:56,600 --> 00:04:01,515
— What's the matter with him?
- You never let him do things on his own.

55
00:04:01,680 --> 00:04:07,517
I can't let Rodney go out on business.
He'd come back with a bag of magic beans.

56
00:04:07,680 --> 00:04:11,878
— And you're so successful, aren't you?
— Don't start.

57
00:04:12,040 --> 00:04:14,077
— This situation...
— What situation?

58
00:04:14,240 --> 00:04:18,279
You being made bankrupt,
owing the Inland Revenue £53,000

59
00:04:18,440 --> 00:04:21,876
and the Official Receiver threatening to evict us.

60
00:04:22,040 --> 00:04:25,715
— That.
- Yes. And those letters from the solicitors.

61
00:04:25,880 --> 00:04:29,316
— Have you phoned them yet?
- No. I've been busy.

62
00:04:29,480 --> 00:04:33,360
— Have you told Rodney?
— No. He's got enough to worry about.

63
00:04:33,520 --> 00:04:37,957
Ill tell him when the moment's right.
Can I borrow these?

64
00:04:42,480 --> 00:04:45,438
— Have you told Raquel yet?
— Told her what?

65
00:04:45,600 --> 00:04:49,036
That they're auctioning this flat in a month.

66
00:04:49,200 --> 00:04:53,239
No. I'll tell her when the moment's right.

67
00:04:53,400 --> 00:04:56,677
— Del...
— No. See you, Rodney.

68
00:05:03,480 --> 00:05:05,949
Are you all right, Mum?

69
00:05:06,120 --> 00:05:09,192
I've come to give you a bit of a scrub—up.

70
00:05:14,480 --> 00:05:16,517
How do you like your new obelisk?

71
00:05:20,000 --> 00:05:25,598
The other one, your old one, was OK,
but it wasn't quite you,

72
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so when me and Rodders became millionaires,
we got you this new one.

73
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Best one in the yard, this.
This is the Ferrari of shrines.

74
00:05:36,920 --> 00:05:39,036
Anyway...

75
00:05:39,200 --> 00:05:43,478
Cassandra... She'll be giving birth soon.

76
00:05:44,520 --> 00:05:47,478
Another grandchild in the family.

77
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I said to them, if it's a girl,
would they name her after you?

78
00:05:52,280 --> 00:05:53,918
Joan.

79
00:05:56,000 --> 00:06:02,633
I'm sorry I haven't been down for a long time,
but I've had one or two problems.

80
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What with the bankruptcy and all of that.

81
00:06:07,880 --> 00:06:12,272
Then I received this letter
from the Official Receiver,

82
00:06:12,440 --> 00:06:15,751
says they want to auction the old flat.

83
00:06:15,920 --> 00:06:18,275
The lads have been good.

84
00:06:18,440 --> 00:06:23,435
They've all been trying
to think of ways for me to make money.

85
00:06:23,600 --> 00:06:27,036
— You gotta invent something.
— Invent something?

86
00:06:27,200 --> 00:06:29,237
All inventors are rich.

87
00:06:29,400 --> 00:06:34,315
What's the name of that bloke
who invented the Dyson vacuum cleaner?

88
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Dyson.

89
00:06:38,800 --> 00:06:42,794
Millionaire. What about that bloke
who invented the biro?

90
00:06:42,960 --> 00:06:46,476
- Bic?
— Millionaire.

91
00:06:46,640 --> 00:06:51,191
I know, Trig. I've thought of that,
but everything's been invented.

92
00:06:51,360 --> 00:06:54,318
Not everything. Picture this.

93
00:06:54,480 --> 00:06:58,314
You're on a crowded bus,
you get an itch in your back.

94
00:06:58,480 --> 00:07:03,350
No matter how hard you try,
you can't reach it. What do you do?

95
00:07:03,520 --> 00:07:07,036
Ask one of the other passengers to scratch it.

96
00:07:07,200 --> 00:07:09,874
- Yeah.
— No, you can't do that, Dave.

97
00:07:10,040 --> 00:07:12,316
No. I was just having a laugh.

98
00:07:13,520 --> 00:07:18,117
I tried that once
and it caused nothing but trouble.

99
00:07:19,120 --> 00:07:22,875
Now... What's this?

100
00:07:23,880 --> 00:07:26,554
— Chopstick.
— Correct.

101
00:07:26,720 --> 00:07:30,839
With this you can reach down and hit the spot.

102
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That's very good, Trig. Not quite
up to Bill Gates' standard, but it is brilliant.

103
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I don't want to disappoint you,
and the Chinese have always been inventive,

104
00:07:44,600 --> 00:07:50,198
but we created something years ago
that beat them to the punch — a backscratcher.

105
00:07:50,360 --> 00:07:54,558
But they're big long things, Dave.
You can't carry one in your pocket.

106
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People will look.

107
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Yes, but you've got to have something long
to get it right down where the itch is.

108
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— That thing's too short.
— So what's the answer?

109
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Another drink?

110
00:08:11,480 --> 00:08:13,278
No.

111
00:08:16,800 --> 00:08:18,791
Two chopsticks.

112
00:08:18,960 --> 00:08:22,840
I'm gonna fit a little hinge on the end...

113
00:08:23,880 --> 00:08:26,793
..50 you can open it out,

114
00:08:26,960 --> 00:08:32,876
scratch away, fold it down again...
and put it back in your pocket.

115
00:08:34,520 --> 00:08:37,717
And you can use it for pointing at things.

116
00:08:40,760 --> 00:08:44,276
That's brilliant, innit? No more fingers.

117
00:08:44,440 --> 00:08:49,150
This is just a specimen.
I'm going back to my flat to work on it.

118
00:08:49,320 --> 00:08:53,154
When I take the patent out,
I'm gonna put it in your name.

119
00:08:53,320 --> 00:08:57,029
Thanks, Trig. See you on "Tomorrow's World".

120
00:09:00,480 --> 00:09:04,155
Everything that could go wrong has gone wrong.

121
00:09:04,320 --> 00:09:08,075
Seems like nothing's gonna change my bad luck.

122
00:09:08,240 --> 00:09:11,358
Raquel says we ought to try feng shui.

123
00:09:11,520 --> 00:09:15,514
I said to her,
"What good is eating raw fish gonna do?"

124
00:09:17,680 --> 00:09:23,119
And I'm getting all these letters
from my solicitor demanding a meeting.

125
00:09:24,320 --> 00:09:29,076
If I don't get over 50 grand in four weeks' time,

126
00:09:29,240 --> 00:09:33,074
I'll be kipping on that bench over there.

127
00:09:33,240 --> 00:09:36,756
Least I'll be keeping you company.

128
00:09:36,920 --> 00:09:41,551
If there's anything that you can do —
you know, while you're up there,

129
00:09:41,720 --> 00:09:47,352
like a word in the right ear —
I'd be ever so grateful.

130
00:09:49,400 --> 00:09:54,873
Anyway, I'd better buzz off. See you soon, Mum.

131
00:09:57,320 --> 00:09:59,038
Bonjour.

132
00:10:09,920 --> 00:10:15,233
- What you doing?
— I'm writing a screenplay for a movie.

133
00:10:16,320 --> 00:10:18,630
Oh. Where is everyone?

134
00:10:18,800 --> 00:10:24,637
Your dad's at the cemetery.
Cassandra's at her parents' place with your mum.

135
00:10:26,320 --> 00:10:30,678
— Is it a silent film?
— No, it's not a silent film.

136
00:10:30,840 --> 00:10:34,834
- You might be able to help me.
- What do you want me to do?

137
00:10:35,000 --> 00:10:37,389
Bugger off and leave me alone.

138
00:10:41,560 --> 00:10:45,793
- All right, Dad?
— Yeah. All right, son.

139
00:10:45,960 --> 00:10:49,590
Postman's given me a letter
from the Official Receiver.

140
00:10:49,760 --> 00:10:53,754
— I suppose it's about this flat.
— It ain't a Christmas card.

141
00:10:53,920 --> 00:10:56,560
— Been busy?
—= Yes.

142
00:10:58,720 --> 00:11:04,398
— What's wrong, Dad? You look worried.
— I am worried, son.

143
00:11:04,560 --> 00:11:08,952
Oh, dear. I don't know. I haven't slept for ages.

144
00:11:09,120 --> 00:11:14,832
I feel so stressed out,
Yehudi Menuhin could play a symphony on me!

145
00:11:15,000 --> 00:11:18,994
— I'm gonna go and play football.
- All right.

146
00:11:19,160 --> 00:11:21,913
Don't forget what I said about dirty tackling.

147
00:11:22,080 --> 00:11:24,276
- Yeah. Be first.
— Good boy.

148
00:11:51,560 --> 00:11:54,632
How's that creative writing course of yours?

149
00:11:54,800 --> 00:11:58,953
— Fine.
— Good. "Cause I worry about you.

150
00:11:59,120 --> 00:12:05,355
Even though I've got bankruptcy
looming over me, and my eminent eviction,

151
00:12:05,520 --> 00:12:08,717
I lie awake at night worrying.

152
00:12:08,880 --> 00:12:15,229
I say to myself, "Is Rodney
getting his commas in the right place?"

153
00:12:15,400 --> 00:12:17,391
What's up with you?

154
00:12:17,560 --> 00:12:23,238
I'll tell you. Here I am, halfway down the gurgler
with only my head above the water,

155
00:12:23,400 --> 00:12:28,952
and you're poncing around on your wife's laptop,
wasting money on some course.

156
00:12:29,120 --> 00:12:33,353
I'm not wasting money.
I'm investing in our future.

157
00:12:33,520 --> 00:12:38,469
What future?
We've got all the prospects of a Toilet Duck!

158
00:12:38,640 --> 00:12:43,191
I'm trying to get us out of this situation
by earning some serious money.

159
00:12:43,360 --> 00:12:47,672
Have you any idea how much you can earn
by writing a book or a film?

160
00:12:47,840 --> 00:12:53,995
— I bet you've never heard of JK Rowling.
— As a matter of fact, I have.

161
00:12:54,160 --> 00:12:56,913
He's one of my favourites.

162
00:12:57,080 --> 00:13:00,277
No... Yeah, right.

163
00:13:00,440 --> 00:13:06,470
JK Rowling wrote all the Harry Potter books
and has earned over £70 million.

164
00:13:06,640 --> 00:13:10,838
70 million?! That would do us, wouldn't it?

165
00:13:11,000 --> 00:13:14,197
- It could get us over the worst.
— Go on, then.

166
00:13:14,360 --> 00:13:16,431
— What?
— Write one.

167
00:13:17,440 --> 00:13:20,512
I can't write a Harry Potter book. It's copyrighted.

168
00:13:20,680 --> 00:13:26,835
Don't worry about that. Just change a bit.
No one will notice. Call it Harry Trotter.

169
00:13:27,840 --> 00:13:32,676
- No.
— Will you shut up, you tart?

170
00:13:32,840 --> 00:13:35,434
All you need is a couple of wizards

171
00:13:35,600 --> 00:13:41,152
and some little git with John Lennon glasses,
and then we're off.

172
00:13:41,320 --> 00:13:44,039
I can't write all that magic stuff.

173
00:13:44,200 --> 00:13:48,751
I'm more Michael Crichton and Thomas Harris.
He wrote "Silence Of The Lambs".

174
00:13:48,920 --> 00:13:51,958
Oh, yeah? Hannibal the Cannonball?

175
00:13:53,200 --> 00:13:55,874
No, it's can... Yeah.

176
00:13:56,040 --> 00:14:00,557
— Well, he's earned over $100 million.
- 100 million?

177
00:14:00,720 --> 00:14:05,078
I know it's all big talk —
70 million here, 100 million there.

178
00:14:05,240 --> 00:14:10,076
You're entitled to talk big
once you've been a millionaire like what we have.

179
00:14:12,280 --> 00:14:15,272
You know what this is, don't you?

180
00:14:16,800 --> 00:14:21,271
Every time I go down
and have a little talk to Mum,

181
00:14:21,440 --> 00:14:24,478
something turns up to save us.

182
00:14:25,480 --> 00:14:30,554
This is it. This is a sign. This is Mum's doing.

183
00:14:31,920 --> 00:14:36,437
Come on, Rodney.
We're gonna come up with a film idea.

184
00:14:36,600 --> 00:14:38,159
Yeah.

185
00:14:41,880 --> 00:14:47,273
So I rang Mike in prison
and we decided to turn this into a theme pub.

186
00:14:47,440 --> 00:14:51,991
— Good.
— We decided on 1930s, pre—war London.

187
00:14:52,160 --> 00:14:54,390
It's turned out well.

188
00:14:54,560 --> 00:14:57,074
I ain't started yet.

189
00:14:57,240 --> 00:15:02,440
— It's still at the consultation stage.
— Let us know when it's finished.

190
00:15:02,600 --> 00:15:05,114
Raquel. Cassandra. What are you drinking?

191
00:15:05,280 --> 00:15:09,114
- Vodka and tonic, please, Trig.
— An orange juice, please.

192
00:15:09,280 --> 00:15:11,430
— Del and Rodney here?
— I ain't seen 'em.

193
00:15:12,560 --> 00:15:16,952
— Tell Del the prototype has hit a snag.
- Right.

194
00:15:17,120 --> 00:15:21,114
— Me paraffin heater melted the chopsticks.
—- OK.

195
00:15:21,280 --> 00:15:26,150
I might have to go to a Chinese shop.
He'll understand.

196
00:15:28,960 --> 00:15:31,554
— What are they doing?
- who?

197
00:15:31,720 --> 00:15:38,239
These people that landed
on an uninhabited desert island in the Specific.

198
00:15:38,400 --> 00:15:41,472
— Right. They're scientists.
- Right.

199
00:15:41,640 --> 00:15:44,712
They've been sent there
because of strange goings-on.

200
00:15:44,880 --> 00:15:49,158
— Like people getting killed?
— Yeah. Disappearing strangely.

201
00:15:49,320 --> 00:15:53,279
Right. This idea's getting betterer and betterer.

202
00:15:53,440 --> 00:15:59,436
So they land in a jumbo jet flown by...
I'm thinking Mel Gibson.

203
00:15:59,600 --> 00:16:02,194
Mel Gibson? Yeah!

204
00:16:02,360 --> 00:16:06,831
— He ain't got all that paint over his face?
— No, no.

205
00:16:07,000 --> 00:16:11,198
— He's the leading scientist.
- Right. OK.

206
00:16:11,360 --> 00:16:15,479
— What's he doing flying the plane, then?
- I dunno.

207
00:16:16,480 --> 00:16:21,509
We could say that in the past
he was a pilot for...

208
00:16:21,680 --> 00:16:23,557
Monarch.

209
00:16:24,560 --> 00:16:28,315
No. Something exciting. NASA.

210
00:16:28,480 --> 00:16:31,074
NASA! Yes, sir! NASA.

211
00:16:31,240 --> 00:16:36,713
So Mel and his assistant...
I was thinking Julia Roberts.

212
00:16:36,880 --> 00:16:41,078
Julia Roberts. Now you're talking like a mogul.

213
00:16:41,240 --> 00:16:47,077
So whilst they're out there doing
all their scientific research and all that stuff,

214
00:16:47,240 --> 00:16:50,232
something in the jungle is watching them.

215
00:16:50,400 --> 00:16:54,519
— The monster.
— Except it's not really a monster.

216
00:16:54,680 --> 00:17:00,915
What they don't know is on this island
are a forgotten tribe of Neanderthals.

217
00:17:01,080 --> 00:17:04,675
Cor blimey. Well, you need that, don't ya?

218
00:17:06,080 --> 00:17:08,993
Old Mel's got his work cut out.

219
00:17:09,160 --> 00:17:12,437
Doing all his research and trying to sort Julia out.

220
00:17:13,680 --> 00:17:16,513
So there's all these cavemen...

221
00:17:16,680 --> 00:17:21,038
Yeah. And women.
The women. You know what I mean?

222
00:17:21,200 --> 00:17:25,273
'Cause serious filmgoers, they like a bit of that.

223
00:17:25,440 --> 00:17:30,071
I was thinking about...Liz Hurley and Jordan.

224
00:17:31,720 --> 00:17:35,076
— We'll talk about it.
— And they're killer cavemen.

225
00:17:35,240 --> 00:17:38,949
- Yes!
— This is gonna be a blockbuster.

226
00:17:39,120 --> 00:17:42,556
It's called "The Island Of Death".

227
00:17:42,720 --> 00:17:45,189
we'll talk about that as well.

228
00:17:47,040 --> 00:17:50,192
Did you get the baby blues
after Damien was born?

229
00:17:50,360 --> 00:17:55,958
— I had my moments, but not too bad.
— I didn't get depressed after I had Tyler.

230
00:17:56,120 --> 00:18:00,239
I was private. The doctors and the drugs
are better than on the NHS.

231
00:18:00,400 --> 00:18:03,279
I didn't get post-natal depression, did 1?

232
00:18:03,440 --> 00:18:08,037
How would I know? You've been
screaming and crying all your life.

233
00:18:08,200 --> 00:18:10,953
Only since I married you!

234
00:18:12,280 --> 00:18:16,035
It's our anniversary soon. 34 years.

235
00:18:16,200 --> 00:18:18,919
They dig up fossils younger than that.

236
00:18:20,520 --> 00:18:25,469
Put a bit of make-up on 'em
and I might fancy them more than you.

237
00:18:26,480 --> 00:18:29,313
Mind you, she has her uses.

238
00:18:29,480 --> 00:18:35,112
If I have to draw a straight line
and can't find a ruler, I just use her chest.

239
00:18:37,520 --> 00:18:40,080
That is one 'orrible git.

240
00:18:41,720 --> 00:18:44,280
But he has got his nice side.

241
00:18:44,440 --> 00:18:48,752
Last month he took out
a massive life insurance on me.

242
00:18:48,920 --> 00:18:52,675
— Shows he cares.
— Come on, Marlene.

243
00:18:52,840 --> 00:18:55,480
Let's go home and ignore each other.

244
00:18:59,240 --> 00:19:03,313
Right. Where are they now?
At the end of the runway.

245
00:19:03,480 --> 00:19:06,233
Yeah. Just getting ready to take off

246
00:19:06,400 --> 00:19:11,554
when suddenly a big bird
gets sucked into one of the engines.

247
00:19:11,720 --> 00:19:15,918
Yes! I can see that, Rodney. That is drama.

248
00:19:16,080 --> 00:19:19,550
— Yeah.
— I feel an Oscar coming on here.

249
00:19:20,880 --> 00:19:23,872
Who do you see playing the big bird?

250
00:19:26,400 --> 00:19:29,995
— Eh?
— Roseanne Barr. She ain't small.

251
00:19:31,800 --> 00:19:34,599
No. When I say big bird...

252
00:19:34,760 --> 00:19:39,072
If you got Roseanne Barr
stuck in your engine, you'd know.

253
00:19:39,240 --> 00:19:43,473
No, no. I'm talking about an eagle or a coroment.

254
00:19:44,960 --> 00:19:48,749
A cornament... An eagle.

255
00:19:48,920 --> 00:19:51,275
Oh, right. I see.

256
00:19:51,440 --> 00:19:55,399
Ah! No, no... Got it, Rodney.

257
00:19:55,560 --> 00:19:59,110
This is it. Listen to this. Mel... Right?

258
00:19:59,280 --> 00:20:05,435
— His assistant is played by Roseanne Barr.
— I don't want Roseanne Barr.

259
00:20:05,600 --> 00:20:10,754
But when Mel pulls her out of the engine,
she's in a right mess.

260
00:20:10,920 --> 00:20:12,354
Del...

261
00:20:12,520 --> 00:20:17,310
No, listen. This is when we find out
that not only is Mel a pilot

262
00:20:17,480 --> 00:20:22,236
and a science researchist,
but he's also a plastic surgeon.

263
00:20:22,400 --> 00:20:27,713
- No.
— And he's got his plastic surgeon tools.

264
00:20:27,880 --> 00:20:32,158
— So he operates on her.
— I don't want him operating on her.

265
00:20:32,320 --> 00:20:36,678
And then he turns her into Julia Roberts, right?

266
00:20:36,840 --> 00:20:42,756
When she sees what he's done, she says,
"Bloody hell, Mel! Help yourself."

267
00:20:45,760 --> 00:20:47,797
And that is your romance.

268
00:20:48,920 --> 00:20:53,357
I'm not having Roseanne Barr's legs
sticking out of one end of an engine

269
00:20:53,520 --> 00:20:57,514
and Julia Roberts' head
sticking out of the other end.

270
00:21:02,120 --> 00:21:05,875
— Are you certain he said they'd meet us?
- I'm positive.

271
00:21:07,720 --> 00:21:11,429
- Oh, my God.
— Oh, no.

272
00:21:11,600 --> 00:21:14,069
Why do they do things like this?

273
00:21:14,240 --> 00:21:20,077
As I've said to you before,
women are from Venus, men are from Peckham.

274
00:21:27,840 --> 00:21:31,470
— Let me carry that coffee.
— Get off me, Rodney!

275
00:21:31,640 --> 00:21:36,191
I know you're an attentive man,
but you're getting on my bloody nerves.

276
00:21:38,080 --> 00:21:42,199
— Hormones, eh?
— Yeah. I'm glad I ain't got none.

277
00:21:44,200 --> 00:21:47,113
It's an answering machine.

278
00:21:47,280 --> 00:21:50,272
Hello. Denzil, this is Delboy.

279
00:21:50,440 --> 00:21:54,149
I haven't been able to get hold of you.

280
00:21:54,320 --> 00:21:59,269
I just wanted to let you know
I had a job for you worth 500 quid.

281
00:21:59,440 --> 00:22:03,035
I've had to let it go to someone else now.

282
00:22:03,200 --> 00:22:09,355
So I just wanted to let you know
what a half—head I think you are. Bonjour!

283
00:22:11,560 --> 00:22:13,551
- You'll never guess.
—- What?

284
00:22:13,720 --> 00:22:17,509
I've been talking to that woman
who cleans for Boycie and Marlene.

285
00:22:17,680 --> 00:22:21,992
She says she hasn't seen Marlene
for eight days now.

286
00:22:22,160 --> 00:22:26,199
— What do you think's happened?
— I dunno. Strange, though.

287
00:22:26,360 --> 00:22:30,069
I can't understand
how they weren't divorced years ago.

288
00:22:30,240 --> 00:22:34,552
Marlene will never divorce Boycie.
She hates him too much.

289
00:22:36,240 --> 00:22:40,677
You shouldn't laugh.
Marital break—ups can be very damaging.

290
00:22:40,840 --> 00:22:43,354
I did some work for the Samaritans.

291
00:22:43,520 --> 00:22:46,194
- On the phones?
- Yeah.

292
00:22:46,360 --> 00:22:51,070
Yes. Very successful he was, too.
No one ever phoned back.

293
00:22:56,160 --> 00:22:58,720
Del, have you seen Marlene recently?

294
00:22:58,880 --> 00:23:02,760
No. I bumped into Boycie.
He said she'd gone away.

295
00:23:02,920 --> 00:23:07,676
— Maybe he's murdered her!
— Keep your nose out of this.

296
00:23:07,840 --> 00:23:12,516
— Do you think she's left him?
— They were having a row. It got nasty.

297
00:23:12,680 --> 00:23:15,115
He accused her of being flat—chested.

298
00:23:15,280 --> 00:23:20,719
— They're always having rows.
- You haven't seen Denzil either.

299
00:23:20,880 --> 00:23:23,190
Maybe they've run off together.

300
00:23:23,360 --> 00:23:25,920
Hark at him.

301
00:23:26,080 --> 00:23:30,597
Marlene has run off with Den...zilL

302
00:23:34,880 --> 00:23:38,032
Jane, half a lager and Del's usual.

303
00:23:38,200 --> 00:23:40,316
Poison in the dining room.

304
00:23:40,480 --> 00:23:45,111
— Candlestick in the bedroom.
- You playing Cluedo?

305
00:23:45,280 --> 00:23:50,958
No. It's called "Whatever happened to Marlene?"
It's been ten days now.

306
00:23:51,120 --> 00:23:55,830
I reckon she's either run off with another bloke
or Boycie's killed her.

307
00:23:56,000 --> 00:23:58,640
Or she's spending the week at her sister's.

308
00:23:58,800 --> 00:24:02,475
Her sister's? You and your imagination, Rodney.

309
00:24:02,640 --> 00:24:06,759
Do you remember
the old Jolly Boys' outings we went on?

310
00:24:06,920 --> 00:24:11,756
— The beanos to Margate? They were great.
— We ain't had one in years.

311
00:24:11,920 --> 00:24:16,471
No. After the last one
the coach firms wouldn't do business with us.

312
00:24:17,800 --> 00:24:22,271
But I was going through some old boxes
and I found this.

313
00:24:24,840 --> 00:24:30,233
It's the first Jolly Boys' outing. July 1960.

314
00:24:30,400 --> 00:24:35,520
There's Del, about 15.
There's Trigger. Boycie. Denzil.

315
00:24:35,680 --> 00:24:40,072
- What a bunch of mongs.
— Bloody 'ell. They look stupid.

316
00:24:40,240 --> 00:24:44,120
That was the fashion. There's your dad — Reg.

317
00:24:44,280 --> 00:24:48,911
— Oh, yeah.
— There's your grandfather. There's me.

318
00:24:49,080 --> 00:24:53,551
Blimey, Sid. You looked like an old git
even in them days.

319
00:24:54,760 --> 00:24:58,196
Yeah. I haven't really aged.

320
00:24:59,520 --> 00:25:02,717
See you later. I gotta get something to eat.

321
00:25:02,880 --> 00:25:05,998
— We do food here.
- I know. I've tried it.

322
00:25:06,160 --> 00:25:08,356
Fair enough.

323
00:25:08,520 --> 00:25:15,119
Sid, can I borrow this to get a copy made?
I'm gonna embarrass Del with it.

324
00:25:15,280 --> 00:25:17,635
— I want it back, though.
- Yeah. 'Course.

325
00:25:21,960 --> 00:25:24,474
— There you go.
- Ta.

326
00:25:24,640 --> 00:25:29,510
— What are you smirking at?
— Nothing. You all right, Trig?

327
00:25:29,680 --> 00:25:32,638
Nothing to report. Waiting for the glue to dry.

328
00:25:34,960 --> 00:25:36,837
Mum's the word.

329
00:25:37,000 --> 00:25:41,119
I hope you're around on Saturday night.
It's a special evening.

330
00:25:41,280 --> 00:25:43,715
The brewery given us a new guvnor?

331
00:25:43,880 --> 00:25:50,115
No. Somebody's booked the pub for a do
and it's the first of my tribute nights.

332
00:25:50,280 --> 00:25:56,071
I've got a couple of singers from Newcastle.
They call themselves "Lordy Geordie".

333
00:25:58,160 --> 00:26:01,437
They do a tribute to Robson and Jerome.

334
00:26:03,840 --> 00:26:06,036
why?

335
00:26:07,800 --> 00:26:09,950
I didn't ask.

336
00:26:10,120 --> 00:26:15,035
The first act on is a David Bowie tribute.
A carpenter.

337
00:26:15,200 --> 00:26:18,272
Calls himself Ziggy Sawdust.

338
00:26:21,360 --> 00:26:24,512
Make a note of that, Rodney. I can't miss this.

339
00:26:25,600 --> 00:26:28,592
Yeah. Sounds good, doesn't it?

340
00:26:31,480 --> 00:26:36,509
— I've got a good idea for one of our films.
— What's that?

341
00:26:36,680 --> 00:26:40,469
You know, Denzil and Marlene
running off together.

342
00:26:40,640 --> 00:26:44,474
These two people
who've known each other since their teens

343
00:26:44,640 --> 00:26:47,075
and hid their passion for each other,

344
00:26:47,240 --> 00:26:51,757
and when they reach middle age,
they can't contain it no longer,

345
00:26:51,920 --> 00:26:54,514
so they rush into each other's arms.

346
00:26:54,680 --> 00:26:59,356
- This is Denzil and Marlene.
— We'll get someone nice, though.

347
00:26:59,520 --> 00:27:03,673
I can't do romance.
I'm more into science fiction.

348
00:27:03,840 --> 00:27:06,832
Yeah. I like all that as well, Dave.

349
00:27:08,280 --> 00:27:13,070
I mean, you think about space.
It's everywhere, innit?

350
00:27:15,280 --> 00:27:18,511
You're right. You can't move for it.

351
00:27:18,680 --> 00:27:21,274
I read something frightening.

352
00:27:21,440 --> 00:27:26,560
Scientists have discovered
this gigantic black hole on the edge of our galaxy,

353
00:27:26,720 --> 00:27:30,429
and if our planet continues
on its ever—widening orbit,

354
00:27:30,600 --> 00:27:33,069
we'll be sucked into it and destroyed.

355
00:27:33,240 --> 00:27:35,595
I'll make sure I'm out that day.

356
00:27:37,000 --> 00:27:39,833
So when's this going to happen?

357
00:27:41,000 --> 00:27:47,952
They can't be too specific. They can't say
Saturday 12th March at half past three.

358
00:27:48,120 --> 00:27:52,273
No, but they can give us an idea,
give or take a fortnight.

359
00:27:52,440 --> 00:27:54,750
well, roughly...

360
00:27:54,920 --> 00:27:59,756
within two to three hundred million years.

361
00:28:00,760 --> 00:28:02,990
We got time for a quick one, then?

362
00:28:05,000 --> 00:28:07,799
So what are they gonna do about it?

363
00:28:10,200 --> 00:28:13,670
— What are who gonna do about it?
— The government.

364
00:28:13,840 --> 00:28:20,314
Well, there's nothing... Send McAlpine's up
with a spaceship full of bricks.

365
00:28:20,480 --> 00:28:22,471
They'll need more than one.

366
00:28:25,480 --> 00:28:28,996
Del, I know you don't believe
in this UFO rubbish,

367
00:28:29,160 --> 00:28:33,233
but I've been sitting here looking at the sky

368
00:28:33,400 --> 00:28:35,994
and I suddenly noticed a star.

369
00:28:36,160 --> 00:28:38,674
It's night, Trig. It happens.

370
00:28:38,840 --> 00:28:43,835
Yeah, but this star suddenly disappeared
and then it came back again...

371
00:28:44,000 --> 00:28:48,198
and then it disappeared
and then it came back again.

372
00:28:49,200 --> 00:28:53,671
And then it disappeared...
and then it came back again.

373
00:28:55,360 --> 00:28:58,159
Do you think that's a close encounter?

374
00:28:59,560 --> 00:29:02,359
No. It's called blinking.

375
00:29:06,120 --> 00:29:09,909
— It's done it again, look.
- No. Missed it.

376
00:29:16,560 --> 00:29:19,313
There it goes!

377
00:29:22,480 --> 00:29:25,154
It's amazing, innit?

378
00:29:25,320 --> 00:29:27,311
Dear God.

379
00:29:27,480 --> 00:29:30,518
(PHONE RINGS)

380
00:29:30,680 --> 00:29:33,069
Trotters Independent Traders.

381
00:29:35,040 --> 00:29:37,998
Yeah? Thank you. We'll be right down.

382
00:29:39,000 --> 00:29:44,200
It's the manager of the Sopranos Pizza Parlour.
we've found Denzil.

383
00:29:52,760 --> 00:29:55,718
Denzil, me old mate.

384
00:29:55,880 --> 00:29:59,874
All right, Del?
All right, fellas. How's it going?

385
00:30:00,040 --> 00:30:04,477
Yes. Fine.
We were worried about you, me old mate.

386
00:30:04,640 --> 00:30:09,191
— Don't worry about me. I was just off...
- No, you sit down.

387
00:30:09,360 --> 00:30:12,159
Let's have a little chinwag, eh?

388
00:30:17,680 --> 00:30:20,672
Is there anything you'd like to tell us?

389
00:30:22,200 --> 00:30:25,158
We promise we won't be judgmental.
These things happen.

390
00:30:25,320 --> 00:30:28,836
- Who told you?
— Del worked it out.

391
00:30:29,000 --> 00:30:33,756
Yeah. Once Marlene went missing and so did you,

392
00:30:33,920 --> 00:30:38,391
you didn't have to be Jeremy Paxton
to work out you'd run off together.

393
00:30:39,520 --> 00:30:43,115
Run off with Marlene?
Have you gone mad or what?

394
00:30:44,560 --> 00:30:47,678
— Where've you been, then?
- In hospital.

395
00:30:47,840 --> 00:30:51,037
Hospital? Was there something wrong with you?

396
00:30:51,200 --> 00:30:55,353
— Of course there was something wrong.
—- What?

397
00:30:57,200 --> 00:31:02,639
I don't want to talk about it, Del.
It's been with me for quite a while.

398
00:31:02,800 --> 00:31:08,671
I didn't say anything to you because...
I didn't want to admit it to myself.

399
00:31:10,200 --> 00:31:14,717
Finally, the doctor said
I'd got to have the operation or...

400
00:31:15,920 --> 00:31:17,638
or what?

401
00:31:19,360 --> 00:31:22,910
Trigger, you don't need to ask that question.

402
00:31:23,080 --> 00:31:28,359
— If he says "or", you know what he means.
—- What?

403
00:31:31,000 --> 00:31:34,277
I've had the operation and I'm feeling better.

404
00:31:34,440 --> 00:31:40,356
The specialist said it could always return.
I've just gotta live in hope.

405
00:31:43,000 --> 00:31:46,789
Let's get a drink. Four beers, please, over here.

406
00:31:47,920 --> 00:31:52,153
I didn't spot you lot lurking over here.
How's it all going?

407
00:31:52,320 --> 00:31:54,038
All right.

408
00:31:54,200 --> 00:31:58,956
You and me have got a mutual friend.
That young nurse — Jolene.

409
00:31:59,120 --> 00:32:02,750
I took her out.
She told me all about your case.

410
00:32:02,920 --> 00:32:06,675
I don't believe this.
It's supposed to be confidential.

411
00:32:06,840 --> 00:32:11,471
She'd had a couple of drinks.
I don't envy you at all, Denzil.

412
00:32:11,640 --> 00:32:14,280
My old granddad suffered with piles.

413
00:32:18,240 --> 00:32:22,120
— Piles?
— You've had piles?

414
00:32:22,280 --> 00:32:28,310
Us worried sick about you and all you'd got
was a touch of the Farmer Giles!

415
00:32:28,480 --> 00:32:31,632
Not piles, Derek — super—piles.

416
00:32:31,800 --> 00:32:35,111
All this fuss over a few haemorrhoids.

417
00:32:35,280 --> 00:32:37,920
Haemorrhoids? They were more like asteroids.

418
00:32:38,920 --> 00:32:41,389
Surgeon said it was keyhole surgery.

419
00:32:41,560 --> 00:32:46,396
Didn't say it was the keyhole
to the Tower of soddin' London!

420
00:32:46,560 --> 00:32:51,919
— You wanna see what he's done to me.
- No. I'll just take your word for it.

421
00:32:53,320 --> 00:32:55,630
So what's this about Marlene?

422
00:32:55,800 --> 00:33:00,397
— Nobody's seen her for a week.
— We thought she was having an affair.

423
00:33:00,560 --> 00:33:02,631
Funny you should say that.

424
00:33:02,800 --> 00:33:07,078
I was in town two weeks ago
and I saw Marlene with a fella.

425
00:33:07,240 --> 00:33:12,952
All dressed up — low-cut blouse,
high heels, full make-up, the lot.

426
00:33:13,120 --> 00:33:15,714
What does she see in a bloke like that?

427
00:33:18,960 --> 00:33:22,715
No, not the... He's talking about Marlene!

428
00:33:22,880 --> 00:33:26,236
— You are talking about her, aren't you?
- Yeah.

429
00:33:26,400 --> 00:33:30,439
So maybe Boycie found out
Marlene was having an affair.

430
00:33:30,600 --> 00:33:35,834
And then he took out
a very large life insurance policy on her.

431
00:33:41,400 --> 00:33:44,199
Hello, Boycie. Thought we'd pop in.

432
00:33:48,440 --> 00:33:54,709
You must appreciate I'm a very busy man,
so what can I do for you?

433
00:33:54,880 --> 00:33:59,556
- A cup of tea wouldn't go amiss.
— How's Marlene these days?

434
00:34:00,560 --> 00:34:04,793
— She's fine.
— It's just we haven't seen her around lately.

435
00:34:04,960 --> 00:34:09,033
No. That's because she's been away.

436
00:34:11,320 --> 00:34:13,118
I'll put the kettle on.

437
00:34:15,200 --> 00:34:18,192
— He's done her in.
— You don't know that.

438
00:34:18,360 --> 00:34:22,558
— What other explanation is there?
— Staying with friends?

439
00:34:22,720 --> 00:34:28,193
Don't be stupid. Who the hell's gonna have
Marlene in their house for a week?

440
00:34:29,360 --> 00:34:32,637
You be observant. This could make a nice film.

441
00:34:32,800 --> 00:34:35,997
We've got to be careful about what we say.

442
00:34:36,160 --> 00:34:40,870
We could be making a terrible mistake
and cause a lot of pain and distress.

443
00:34:41,040 --> 00:34:44,590
You're right. Subtlety is the order of the day.

444
00:34:44,760 --> 00:34:46,558
Absolutely.

445
00:34:50,920 --> 00:34:54,436
- Well?
— Right. well, Boycie...

446
00:34:54,600 --> 00:34:58,958
I hope you won't take offence
by what I'm about to say, but...

447
00:34:59,120 --> 00:35:03,751
we think you've murdered Marlene
and buried her in the garden.

448
00:35:08,080 --> 00:35:10,196
Beautiful, Derek.

449
00:35:10,360 --> 00:35:14,991
How dare you? Murdered my wife
and buried her in the garden?

450
00:35:15,160 --> 00:35:17,629
I've never been so insulted!

451
00:35:17,800 --> 00:35:21,680
You know how much I've spent on that garden.

452
00:35:23,160 --> 00:35:27,836
Yeah. I never thought of that.
So what have you done with her, then?

453
00:35:28,000 --> 00:35:31,914
I have done nothing with her. She's upstairs.

454
00:35:32,080 --> 00:35:35,357
She's upstairs. What else is there to say?

455
00:35:35,520 --> 00:35:38,273
Dead or alive might help.

456
00:35:40,560 --> 00:35:46,317
Marlene and I will be down the pub tonight.
Then you'll have proof, Inspector.

457
00:35:47,680 --> 00:35:52,311
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I have business to attend to.

458
00:35:59,880 --> 00:36:02,349
See you later, Marlene.

459
00:36:04,200 --> 00:36:06,999
She's probably asleep.

460
00:36:07,160 --> 00:36:10,232
Oh, yeah. Right.

461
00:36:10,400 --> 00:36:12,835
See you later, Marlene!

462
00:36:16,160 --> 00:36:18,720
She's a deep sleeper.

463
00:36:20,120 --> 00:36:22,589
She's dead to the world.

464
00:36:24,160 --> 00:36:27,039
See you tonight, Boycie.

465
00:36:28,040 --> 00:36:29,758
Bonjour.

466
00:36:41,080 --> 00:36:45,233


467
00:36:45,400 --> 00:36:49,030


468
00:36:49,200 --> 00:36:55,196

whose shirts you wear

469
00:36:55,360 --> 00:37:00,275


470
00:37:02,320 --> 00:37:06,109


471
00:37:06,280 --> 00:37:09,875


472
00:37:10,040 --> 00:37:15,035


473
00:37:15,200 --> 00:37:19,956
— What's all this, Sid?
- It's like that Spanish place in Fulham.

474
00:37:20,120 --> 00:37:22,236
That's tapas. This is...

475
00:37:22,400 --> 00:37:25,836
— Well, it's not good, is it?
— It's English tapas.

476
00:37:26,000 --> 00:37:31,234
Does Mike know you're doing this?
I know he's inside, but it's still his pub.

477
00:37:31,400 --> 00:37:34,677
He said, "Treat the pub as if it were your own."

478
00:37:34,840 --> 00:37:39,596
That's just a figure of speech.
If you stay at someone's house, they say that.

479
00:37:39,760 --> 00:37:42,878
Doesn't mean you build a through lounge.

480
00:37:43,040 --> 00:37:47,637
- There it is. Take it or leave it.
— Thank God. We've got a choice.

481
00:37:51,080 --> 00:37:56,871
— Do you think Boycie will turn up?
- No. He'll be halfway across Europe now.

482
00:37:57,040 --> 00:38:00,112
Yeah. Grab the insurance money and run.

483
00:38:25,000 --> 00:38:26,798
Good evening.

484
00:38:26,960 --> 00:38:31,716
I know what you've been saying about me,
so I am here to prove you wrong.

485
00:38:31,880 --> 00:38:35,999
Would you all please greet my wife Marlene?

486
00:38:43,760 --> 00:38:46,195
Good evening, everyone.

487
00:38:46,360 --> 00:38:51,753
— Sorry about your hair, Marlene.
— This cost me a bloody fortune up west.

488
00:38:51,920 --> 00:38:54,514
You look like Brian May in a spin dryer.

489
00:38:55,920 --> 00:38:58,833
— Tell him!
— Ignore him.

490
00:38:59,840 --> 00:39:01,672
If I may, my dear?

491
00:39:10,240 --> 00:39:12,470
Entente cordiale!

492
00:39:14,840 --> 00:39:20,153
— Got a feeling this is gonna cause trouble.
— She'll have someone's eye out.

493
00:39:25,160 --> 00:39:31,076
(THEY SING "UNCHAINED MELODY")

494
00:39:33,080 --> 00:39:37,756
So that's where she's been —
up town getting a boob job.

495
00:39:37,920 --> 00:39:40,116
She has not had a boob job.

496
00:39:40,280 --> 00:39:45,480
— Leave it out. You brought a firm in.
— I have not brought a firm in.

497
00:39:45,640 --> 00:39:50,635
I'lL call Twickenham,
see if they've got any balls missing.

498
00:39:50,800 --> 00:39:54,031
She has not had a boob job.
That's all natural.

499
00:39:54,200 --> 00:39:59,639
— She never used to have boobs that big.
— How the bloody hell do you know?

500
00:40:01,360 --> 00:40:04,318
- You told me.
— Oh, yeah.

501
00:40:05,800 --> 00:40:09,794
We got a dress designer in
who made the most of what was available.

502
00:40:09,960 --> 00:40:14,431
And who was the bloke
she was seen up town with the other week?

503
00:40:14,600 --> 00:40:17,069
That bloke? That bloke was...

504
00:40:17,240 --> 00:40:20,392
That bloke was er...

505
00:40:21,400 --> 00:40:25,871
— All right. That was her plastic surgeon.
— Aha! Now it comes out, eh?

506
00:40:26,040 --> 00:40:31,558
- I thought it'd bring us closer together.
- It'll have the opposite effect!

507
00:40:32,760 --> 00:40:35,274
I hope not. It was four grand a boob!

508
00:40:35,440 --> 00:40:37,875
How much did that cost you, then?

509
00:40:40,360 --> 00:40:42,954
About eight grand, Trig.

510
00:40:43,120 --> 00:40:44,758
Blimey!

511
00:40:50,240 --> 00:40:54,154
Must be horrible going round
with a couple of big boobies.

512
00:40:54,320 --> 00:40:56,789
Raquel and I are used to it!

513
00:40:59,600 --> 00:41:03,753
— Are they laughing at me?
- No. They're just having a good time.

514
00:41:03,920 --> 00:41:06,389
we'll see about that.

515
00:41:08,560 --> 00:41:12,349
Raquel, I'm so glad
you wore that dress again.

516
00:41:12,520 --> 00:41:15,034
It's always been one of my favourites.

517
00:41:15,200 --> 00:41:19,114
That reminds me, Boyce,
we've got to collect the curtains.

518
00:41:19,280 --> 00:41:24,593
Listen! And her looking like
one of those women you put over toilet rolls.

519
00:41:24,760 --> 00:41:28,594
— Did you hear what she said?
—= Yes.

520
00:41:28,760 --> 00:41:32,549
Be fair, Raquel.
Marlene's made a big effort this evening.

521
00:41:32,720 --> 00:41:34,996
You can see a struggle's taken place.

522
00:41:37,120 --> 00:41:40,351
— She's been in that bedroom for hours.
- Shut up!

523
00:41:40,520 --> 00:41:43,876
I'm just trying to defend your honour.

524
00:41:44,040 --> 00:41:49,752
Trying to defend Marlene's honour?
What have you got in the shed? A time machine?

525
00:41:50,760 --> 00:41:55,675
You're just jealous because I can afford
surgery for my 40th birthday.

526
00:41:55,840 --> 00:42:02,280
When I met you you were pushing 40.
For the last few years you've been towing it!

527
00:42:02,440 --> 00:42:07,469
Right, that's it!
Raquel, get out of the pub. You're barred.

528
00:42:08,560 --> 00:42:12,838
— What are you talking about, Sid?
- Eh?

529
00:42:13,000 --> 00:42:17,471
— No. Marlene, get out. You're barred.
— I beg your pardon?!

530
00:42:17,640 --> 00:42:20,553
Get off home and take your foster tits with you.

531
00:42:21,880 --> 00:42:25,271
— Did you hear what he just said?!
—= Yes.

532
00:42:25,440 --> 00:42:27,556
How dare you?

533
00:42:27,720 --> 00:42:31,236
— we'll finish our drinks and...
— You'll get out now.

534
00:42:31,400 --> 00:42:33,437
- Right.
— Come along, Marlene.

535
00:42:33,600 --> 00:42:37,275
I've never been so insulted in my life.

536
00:42:39,080 --> 00:42:45,031
Sid, far be it for me to interfere,
but you're taking this a bit too seriously.

537
00:42:45,200 --> 00:42:49,956
— You're like Mussolini in a Harvester.
- I'm running this pub now.

538
00:42:50,120 --> 00:42:53,476
You shouldn't have banned Boycie and Marlene.

539
00:42:53,640 --> 00:42:58,032
— And why is that?
— Because it's their anniversary do.

540
00:43:02,560 --> 00:43:06,872
Excuse me! I am paying for all this.

541
00:43:07,040 --> 00:43:10,078
Right. Drinks all round.

542
00:43:29,840 --> 00:43:32,309
Raquel, where are you?

543
00:43:36,440 --> 00:43:40,195
You rotten, lying, devious, cheating man!

544
00:43:40,360 --> 00:43:44,149
— Have I upset you?
— I found that letter from the Official Receiver.

545
00:43:44,320 --> 00:43:48,234
Oh, right. Yeah.
I've come home to talk about that...

546
00:43:48,400 --> 00:43:51,950
You lied to me and to Rodney
about those letters.

547
00:43:52,120 --> 00:43:54,111
What letters?

548
00:43:56,720 --> 00:44:00,350
All right. These letters.

549
00:44:02,240 --> 00:44:07,360
"Cartwright, Cartwright and Cartwright,
Solicitors of Law." There's ten letters.

550
00:44:07,520 --> 00:44:11,957
— It looks worse than it is.
— Because half of them are Rodney's.

551
00:44:12,120 --> 00:44:15,078
You've been hiding
my personal correspondence?

552
00:44:15,240 --> 00:44:20,030
I just wanted to take the pressure off you
because of Cassandra and the baby.

553
00:44:20,200 --> 00:44:23,511
And you didn't tell me
the flat was being auctioned.

554
00:44:23,680 --> 00:44:25,956
You had all that ironing.

555
00:44:29,000 --> 00:44:35,315
It's been one bit of bad news after the other.
I was trying to protect you all.

556
00:44:35,480 --> 00:44:38,711
You're a control freak.
To you other people don't matter.

557
00:44:38,880 --> 00:44:42,475
— That is not true, sweetheart.
— You just step over them.

558
00:44:42,640 --> 00:44:48,636
And what do they do in return?
They love you so much they all try to help you.

559
00:44:48,800 --> 00:44:54,796
They all try to help me?
You wanted me to ask Boycie for a loan.

560
00:44:54,960 --> 00:44:57,600
That's the same as joining the Moonies.

561
00:44:57,760 --> 00:45:01,833
Rodney's trying to write
"Freddie Krueger And The Chocolate Factory"

562
00:45:02,000 --> 00:45:06,233
and Trigger's scratching his arse
with a chopstick!

563
00:45:07,240 --> 00:45:09,880
These people are supposed to help me?

564
00:45:10,040 --> 00:45:12,509
You ungrateful sod.

565
00:45:13,680 --> 00:45:17,355
At least I didn't suggest
forming a Hollywood film company.

566
00:45:18,360 --> 00:45:21,193
You're gonna wish you'd never said that.

567
00:45:21,360 --> 00:45:26,389
— Just bringing up a pertinent point.
- No. That's like bringing up a furball.

568
00:45:26,560 --> 00:45:29,279
You were going to form a film company?

569
00:45:29,440 --> 00:45:32,796
You see? Not me, him. Rodney.

570
00:45:32,960 --> 00:45:36,749
He wanted to make this film
about an uninhabited island

571
00:45:36,920 --> 00:45:39,116
with cavemen living on it.

572
00:45:39,280 --> 00:45:41,954
— How's it uninhabited, then?
- I don't know.

573
00:45:42,120 --> 00:45:48,435
- Then this jumbo jet lands.
- A jumbo jet? Where's the runway?

574
00:45:48,600 --> 00:45:52,912
— Well...I don't know.
— What's all this noise?

575
00:45:53,080 --> 00:45:56,391
You've got to hear the latest from these morons.

576
00:45:56,560 --> 00:45:59,120
They're going to make a Hollywood film.

577
00:45:59,280 --> 00:46:03,274
What was it? They land on
an uninhabited island in a jumbo jet.

578
00:46:03,440 --> 00:46:06,239
- Who do?
— Mel Gibson and Julia Roberts.

579
00:46:06,400 --> 00:46:10,359
— He wanted Julia Roberts.
— He wanted Liz Hurley and Jordan.

580
00:46:10,520 --> 00:46:16,471
How can you land a jumbo jet
on an uninhabited island? Where's the runway?

581
00:46:16,640 --> 00:46:20,713
Yeah. I dunno. Ask him here. Cecil B Demented.

582
00:46:26,880 --> 00:46:28,598
- I don't know.
— See?

583
00:46:28,760 --> 00:46:33,357
Maybe Fred Flintstone
and Barney Rubble knocked it up!

584
00:46:33,520 --> 00:46:37,514
And who was going to produce this masterpiece?

585
00:46:37,680 --> 00:46:40,320
Exactly. Alfred Stopcock here.

586
00:46:41,840 --> 00:46:44,719
So while we're worrying ourselves sick,

587
00:46:44,880 --> 00:46:50,558
these two are getting drunk
and dreaming of making a Hollywood film.

588
00:46:50,720 --> 00:46:54,873
— Listen to me, Raquel...
— No. You listen to me.

589
00:46:55,040 --> 00:47:00,240
You've got to make contact with reality.
Everything with you is image.

590
00:47:00,400 --> 00:47:05,520
I saw you in the pub. We're broke
and you threw money around like Elton John.

591
00:47:05,680 --> 00:47:11,949
And instead of finding work, you sit in this flat
pretending to be Quentin Tarantino.

592
00:47:12,120 --> 00:47:16,876
When we're in the Capri,
you have the windows up, even in a heatwave,

593
00:47:17,040 --> 00:47:20,192
to make it look like you've got air conditioning!

594
00:47:21,480 --> 00:47:26,680
- I know I'm not perfect...
— That is the understatement of the year!

595
00:47:26,840 --> 00:47:29,559
Unless a miracle happens, in ten days' time,

596
00:47:29,720 --> 00:47:35,511
my son and I are going to be living
in some bed and breakfast in Sodoffsville!

597
00:47:35,680 --> 00:47:41,437
If it's a miracle you want, then I'm your man.
I'm chairman of Miracles R Us.

598
00:47:41,600 --> 00:47:47,676
You're a man, Del! You'll never understand.
Just remember, only women bleed.

599
00:47:47,840 --> 00:47:51,310
Cor blimey! Only women bleed!

600
00:47:51,480 --> 00:47:53,471
Gordon Bennett!

601
00:47:56,280 --> 00:48:01,354
I am not a control freak.
It's just that I have had no choice.

602
00:48:02,360 --> 00:48:04,829
Do you realise that when I was 16,

603
00:48:05,000 --> 00:48:10,996
my old man walked out and left me
and Rodney with our daft old granddad?

604
00:48:11,160 --> 00:48:14,232
He tried his best, but he wasn't up to it.

605
00:48:15,960 --> 00:48:21,797
So I had to take over and I've been doing it
ever since and I can't get out of the habit.

606
00:48:25,440 --> 00:48:27,909
I'm gonna have a lie—down.

607
00:48:37,680 --> 00:48:39,512
All right?

608
00:48:40,520 --> 00:48:46,038
Yeah. Fine. Raquel and I
have had a quiet little chat.

609
00:48:46,200 --> 00:48:48,510
Yeah, I heard.

610
00:49:01,120 --> 00:49:05,159
You got somewhere to stay after the auction?

611
00:49:05,320 --> 00:49:08,233
Trigger said I could doss down at his place.

612
00:49:08,400 --> 00:49:14,635
There's not much room, what with
all those "X—File" videos and chopsticks.

613
00:49:16,000 --> 00:49:18,276
Oh, dear. Women.

614
00:49:18,440 --> 00:49:22,513
Do you know what Raquel said?
Only women bleed. Blimey!

615
00:49:22,680 --> 00:49:25,991
She ought to be outside the Nag's Head
on a Saturday night.

616
00:49:27,000 --> 00:49:31,597
They reckon they suffer.
They don't know what it's like to be a bloke.

617
00:49:31,760 --> 00:49:37,039
They worry about their PMT.
Us men worry about...

618
00:49:37,200 --> 00:49:39,669
— Our MOT?
—= Yes.

619
00:49:39,840 --> 00:49:42,878
— Do they listen to us?
- No, they don't.

620
00:49:43,040 --> 00:49:48,194
No, they don't. She'll never meet
another bloke like me, will she?

621
00:49:49,600 --> 00:49:51,830
No, she won't.

622
00:49:52,920 --> 00:49:55,480
That's it, Rodney.

623
00:49:55,640 --> 00:50:02,478
Once the flat is auctioned...
we'll go our separate ways. I won't see her again.

624
00:50:02,640 --> 00:50:05,678
— Del, don't say that.
- No. That's it.

625
00:50:05,840 --> 00:50:11,950
She won't be able to get round me.
When my mind is made up, my mind is made up!

626
00:50:13,600 --> 00:50:15,955
(RAQUEL) Del?

627
00:50:16,120 --> 00:50:17,679
Yes.

628
00:50:17,840 --> 00:50:22,710
I just said I'm going for a lie—down.

629
00:50:33,280 --> 00:50:35,271
She's...

630
00:50:35,440 --> 00:50:38,796
She's all right really.

631
00:50:38,960 --> 00:50:41,873
She's lovely, isn't she, eh?

632
00:50:44,680 --> 00:50:47,240
Yeah. She's lovely.

633
00:51:27,640 --> 00:51:30,109
You're not with me tonight, are you?

634
00:51:30,280 --> 00:51:33,159
Sorry. Just thinking.

635
00:51:33,320 --> 00:51:35,709
I know you're worried about losing the flat,

636
00:51:35,880 --> 00:51:39,396
but my mum and dad
said we're welcome there.

637
00:51:39,560 --> 00:51:43,554
- I know you and my mum don't...
— That's great. Thanks.

638
00:51:45,760 --> 00:51:48,752
— I can't eat.
- What's wrong?

639
00:51:48,920 --> 00:51:51,514
Nothing. I'm just not hungry.

640
00:51:51,680 --> 00:51:54,513
I refuse to have this baby till you tell me.

641
00:51:56,520 --> 00:52:02,994
Take a look at this.
It's the Jolly Boys' outing to Margate. July 1960.

642
00:52:03,160 --> 00:52:07,040
This is great. Is that Del?

643
00:52:07,200 --> 00:52:09,794
Yeah. 15.

644
00:52:09,960 --> 00:52:12,679
And Trigger. Look at Trigger.

645
00:52:12,840 --> 00:52:16,879
— Keep looking.
— That must be Boycie. Those eyes.

646
00:52:17,040 --> 00:52:22,911
— And Denzil. Look at his hair!
— Yeah. Keep looking.

647
00:52:23,080 --> 00:52:26,869
There's your granddad. Ah. And there's you...

648
00:52:29,160 --> 00:52:30,912
Yeah.

649
00:52:32,760 --> 00:52:36,674
July 1960. Before I was born.

650
00:52:46,320 --> 00:52:51,156
— Where is everyone?
- I'm in the bathroom. Dinner's in the oven.

651
00:52:51,320 --> 00:52:53,118
All right.

652
00:53:09,040 --> 00:53:11,077
Dear, oh, dear...

653
00:53:13,560 --> 00:53:16,029
Bloody hell.

654
00:53:17,320 --> 00:53:19,960
So who is he?

655
00:53:20,120 --> 00:53:22,191
He's my father.

656
00:53:22,360 --> 00:53:25,990
— But your father is...
- My real father.

657
00:53:26,160 --> 00:53:29,312
My biological old man.

658
00:53:30,320 --> 00:53:33,358
I've had my suspicions for years.

659
00:53:33,520 --> 00:53:36,990
People tried to convince me
it was my imagination.

660
00:53:39,400 --> 00:53:45,954
His name was Freddie the Frog. He'd been
a Royal Navy diver, hence the nickname.

661
00:53:46,120 --> 00:53:50,353
He and my mum were.. friends.

662
00:53:50,520 --> 00:53:52,955
Are you absolutely certain?

663
00:53:53,120 --> 00:53:58,559
Look at the photo, Cass.
We don't need DNA with this one.

664
00:54:04,440 --> 00:54:08,513
All right? What's the first name
that springs to mind?

665
00:54:08,680 --> 00:54:11,798
Well...Rodney.

666
00:54:11,960 --> 00:54:14,270
Exactly. Rodney.

667
00:54:16,040 --> 00:54:18,998
who is he?

668
00:54:19,160 --> 00:54:24,394
His name was Freddie Robdal.
He was a mate of my dad's.

669
00:54:25,400 --> 00:54:29,109
My mum was having a rough time
with the old man.

670
00:54:29,280 --> 00:54:33,274
He was very handy,
if you know what I mean, with women.

671
00:54:33,440 --> 00:54:38,719
Not much cop when it came to men,
but a hard nut with women and kids.

672
00:54:39,720 --> 00:54:42,280
One day my dad brought Freddie home

673
00:54:42,440 --> 00:54:45,671
and him and my mum got on
like a house on fire.

674
00:54:45,840 --> 00:54:50,789
They had the same taste in music
and...well, everything.

675
00:54:50,960 --> 00:54:54,316
And what was he, this Freddie Robdal?

676
00:54:54,480 --> 00:54:59,350
He was a gentleman safe—cracker.
They called him the Raffles of Peckham.

677
00:55:00,920 --> 00:55:04,914
People have mentioned him before
and we sounded similar.

678
00:55:05,080 --> 00:55:09,358
He was a connoisseur of fine wines, a gourmet,

679
00:55:09,520 --> 00:55:13,639
a real snappy dresser, big—time charmer.

680
00:55:13,800 --> 00:55:16,235
So how are you similar?

681
00:55:19,160 --> 00:55:21,197
We're about the same height.

682
00:55:22,680 --> 00:55:26,150
Where's Freddie the Frog or Daddy now?

683
00:55:26,320 --> 00:55:33,078
He's dead. Back in '64, he was breaking
into a safe and he sat on the detonator.

684
00:55:33,240 --> 00:55:36,756
He sat on the detonator? Why?

685
00:55:36,920 --> 00:55:41,756
I think it's what's known,
in the underworld, as "an accident".

686
00:55:44,840 --> 00:55:47,753
And you've known all these years?

687
00:55:47,920 --> 00:55:52,471
No. At least, not when Rodney was a baby.

688
00:55:52,640 --> 00:55:57,271
When you get to 20
and your six—year—old brother is taller than you,

689
00:55:57,440 --> 00:56:00,080
it makes you think.

690
00:56:00,240 --> 00:56:03,312
I never knew really who he was.

691
00:56:03,480 --> 00:56:07,474
As a youngster,
I was told to call him Uncle Fred.

692
00:56:07,640 --> 00:56:13,192
Then a few years back,
Uncle Albert got drunk at an old folks' do...

693
00:56:13,360 --> 00:56:16,398
It was a wet corset contest.

694
00:56:18,880 --> 00:56:24,159
Anyway, he told me
all about Freddie and my mum.

695
00:56:28,120 --> 00:56:33,399
I don't know if you noticed, but there are
no photographs of my mum in this house,

696
00:56:33,560 --> 00:56:36,996
except for a couple of close-ups.

697
00:56:37,160 --> 00:56:40,516
I assumed your dad had taken them when he left.

698
00:56:40,680 --> 00:56:46,153
No. He only used to take money
and things that he could sell.

699
00:56:46,320 --> 00:56:49,073
Then Uncle Albert told me.

700
00:56:50,160 --> 00:56:55,792
It was my Aunt Rene who dealt with it
just after Mum's funeral.

701
00:56:56,800 --> 00:57:02,432
Every photograph in this house
had a picture of Freddie Robdal in it.

702
00:57:02,600 --> 00:57:05,672
My Aunt Rene knew that as Rodney got older,

703
00:57:05,840 --> 00:57:09,151
people would see the stimularities...

704
00:57:10,880 --> 00:57:12,871
..s0 she burnt 'em.

705
00:57:13,040 --> 00:57:15,031
Do you think Rodney knows?

706
00:57:17,240 --> 00:57:19,914
He's never been very observant, has he?

707
00:57:20,080 --> 00:57:23,038
Nah. He ain't got a clue.

708
00:57:25,080 --> 00:57:29,358
— Do you think Del knows?
— He would have said.

709
00:57:29,520 --> 00:57:32,990
— Are you gonna tell him?
- No.

710
00:57:35,120 --> 00:57:37,589
It'd break his heart.

711
00:57:39,720 --> 00:57:42,519
Will you say anything to Rodney?

712
00:57:43,960 --> 00:57:48,193
I can't. It'd break his heart.

713
00:58:02,640 --> 00:58:06,838
— Who have we got to see?
— Cartwright.

714
00:58:07,000 --> 00:58:09,640
What do you think he wants?

715
00:58:09,800 --> 00:58:15,034
You've asked me that a hundred times
and a hundred times I've said I don't know.

716
00:58:15,200 --> 00:58:19,194
Well, think hard.
We don't want to go in there unarmed.

717
00:58:19,360 --> 00:58:23,513
If we know what you did,
we can have our excuses ready.

718
00:58:23,680 --> 00:58:25,717
I've done nothing but think.

719
00:58:25,880 --> 00:58:31,512
AlL1 know is that every business decision,
every tactical move that I've ever made,

720
00:58:31,680 --> 00:58:34,832
we've already been done for.

721
00:58:35,000 --> 00:58:37,799
It's probably nothing.

722
00:58:37,960 --> 00:58:41,715
Del, solicitors don't send you ten letters
for nothing.

723
00:58:41,880 --> 00:58:45,714
This is something
and my instincts say it's something bad.

724
00:58:49,320 --> 00:58:53,598
— We're gonna go to prison.
— Shut up, you tart. We're not.

725
00:58:53,760 --> 00:58:58,709
Cassandra's going to be bringing my baby
to visit me in Wormwood Scrubs.

726
00:58:58,880 --> 00:59:02,635
And you know the fun they get up to in prison.

727
00:59:02,800 --> 00:59:07,636
You can guarantee I'm gonna be a prime target.

728
00:59:07,800 --> 00:59:12,033
I hope they put us in separate cells,
you depressing git.

729
00:59:12,200 --> 00:59:17,718
How do you expect me to feel?
In a few weeks I could be someone's bitch!

730
00:59:20,080 --> 00:59:25,837
Some great big ugly geezer's
gonna choose me to be his special friend.

731
00:59:26,000 --> 00:59:29,675
All you've got to say is, "Oi! None of that."

732
00:59:29,840 --> 00:59:32,514
He'll say, "I'll look after you, Rodney."

733
00:59:32,680 --> 00:59:37,311
He'll lend me his Rolling Stones CD
and then we'll be engaged.

734
00:59:37,480 --> 00:59:40,074
At least we'll have a party, then.

735
00:59:41,600 --> 00:59:44,160
I'll ask for solitary confinement.

736
00:59:44,320 --> 00:59:48,996
No, don't do that.
You don't want a reputation as a tease.

737
00:59:52,000 --> 00:59:56,710
— You're enjoying this.
— Just listen to me, dopey.

738
00:59:56,880 --> 01:00:00,475
The lawyer has asked us to come in for a chat.

739
01:00:00,640 --> 01:00:06,875
This whatever it is is a civil matter.
You only go to prison for a criminal offence.

740
01:00:07,040 --> 01:00:13,480
That means a police prosecution.
Do you see any Mr Plods around here?

741
01:00:13,640 --> 01:00:19,511
Yes. I'm so stupid.
I just let my imagination run away with itself.

742
01:00:22,880 --> 01:00:29,399
— But if the worst comes to the worst...
- All right. I'll go in the showers first.

743
01:00:35,240 --> 01:00:39,029
— I've been doing a bit of thinking.
- Mm?

744
01:00:39,200 --> 01:00:42,192
You know that photo that Sid lent me...

745
01:00:43,400 --> 01:00:46,756
Gentlemen? Mr Cartwright will see you now.

746
01:00:59,720 --> 01:01:04,715
Gentlemen, please take a seat.
So...at last we meet.

747
01:01:05,840 --> 01:01:11,040
You two have proved very elusive.
I've been writing to you for three months.

748
01:01:11,200 --> 01:01:17,230
— Yes. Sorry about that. We've been busy.
— We've had a few problems recently.

749
01:01:17,400 --> 01:01:22,918
I heard. I took the liberty of speaking
to your solicitor. He related a tale of woe.

750
01:01:23,080 --> 01:01:27,631
The international stock market
can be a fickle thing.

751
01:01:27,800 --> 01:01:30,633
No. I was referring to his unpaid bill.

752
01:01:32,080 --> 01:01:37,837
Oh. We were discussing that
out in your waiting room. It's in the post.

753
01:01:38,000 --> 01:01:41,550
I'm sure. Let's attend to the matter at hand.

754
01:01:41,720 --> 01:01:44,519
Can't you just tell us the worst?

755
01:01:44,680 --> 01:01:49,709
Tell us what you're suing us for
and we'll tell you why we can't pay.

756
01:01:49,880 --> 01:01:53,919
Mr Trotter, you seem to be
under the wrong impression.

757
01:01:54,080 --> 01:01:58,358
Did you read my letters?
I said I had something that may be of interest.

758
01:01:58,520 --> 01:02:03,071
My firm acted as solicitors for your great—uncle,
Albert Gladstone Trotter.

759
01:02:03,240 --> 01:02:05,709
Oh, no.

760
01:02:05,880 --> 01:02:09,953
All right. What did he do?

761
01:02:10,120 --> 01:02:15,274
Nothing, as far as I know.
This is a reading of his last will and testament.

762
01:02:16,760 --> 01:02:19,673
— Albert left a will?
— He didn't have nothing.

763
01:02:19,840 --> 01:02:21,831
Well, not quite.

764
01:02:22,000 --> 01:02:26,870
When you came into your fortune,
you made Albert a very generous gift.

765
01:02:27,040 --> 01:02:29,953
Yeah. We saw that he was all right.

766
01:02:30,120 --> 01:02:35,798
But that would be six years ago.
He's probably blown all that.

767
01:02:35,960 --> 01:02:41,034
Not entirely. As you know,
Albert lived a very simple life.

768
01:02:41,200 --> 01:02:44,318
He didn't buy properties or Rolls—Royces,

769
01:02:44,480 --> 01:02:48,110
didn't care for Caribbean holidays
or Hawaiian cruises.

770
01:02:48,280 --> 01:02:53,832
He simply invested your gift, and in
a far more stable area than you managed to.

771
01:02:54,000 --> 01:02:58,358
All his investments were blue-chip —
not very exciting, but stable,

772
01:02:58,520 --> 01:03:01,558
and bringing in a small interest.

773
01:03:01,720 --> 01:03:04,189
He's left his entire estate to you.

774
01:03:04,360 --> 01:03:08,593
Before I do the legal reading,
let's cut to the chase.

775
01:03:08,760 --> 01:03:14,312
After death duties,
he has left you the sum of £145,000.

776
01:03:17,960 --> 01:03:20,349
Er...each.

777
01:03:24,720 --> 01:03:27,189
(MOBILE RINGS)

778
01:03:31,680 --> 01:03:36,959
Hello? Raquel. Raquel!
You'll never guess. We're saved.

779
01:03:37,120 --> 01:03:41,193
It was all about Uncle Albert and his will. Hm?

780
01:03:42,200 --> 01:03:43,873
We're on our way.

781
01:03:45,560 --> 01:03:48,439
She's in delivery room ten.

782
01:03:49,640 --> 01:03:52,473
— I don't know if I can face this.
— Course you can.

783
01:03:52,640 --> 01:03:57,032
You gotta be there for the birth.
You'll never forgive yourself.

784
01:03:57,200 --> 01:03:59,714
- No, you're right.
— Here y'are.

785
01:04:00,720 --> 01:04:03,997
This is it. Give us your coat.

786
01:04:05,200 --> 01:04:08,750
Good boy. Right. Go on, then.

787
01:04:17,600 --> 01:04:20,752
Oh, bloody hell.

788
01:04:20,920 --> 01:04:22,911
I'm sorry.

789
01:04:25,520 --> 01:04:29,639
What are you playing at?
You just wander in for a look?

790
01:04:29,800 --> 01:04:34,954
— It weren't like that. I...I'm sorry.
— Bleedin' perv!

791
01:04:40,440 --> 01:04:43,671
It was room 16, not ten.

792
01:04:43,840 --> 01:04:48,994
- I nearly got a punch on the nose.
— Shut up, you tart. Come on.

793
01:04:53,480 --> 01:04:55,676
- Rodney...
— I gotta be there for the birth.

794
01:04:55,840 --> 01:04:59,993
— You can't be there for the birth.
— What?

795
01:05:01,680 --> 01:05:04,752
They've had to give Cassandra
a Caesarean section.

796
01:05:04,920 --> 01:05:08,993
— What's happened to my baby?
— The baby's been delivered.

797
01:05:09,160 --> 01:05:11,356
Mother and child are fine.

798
01:05:16,880 --> 01:05:19,110
Mr Trotter?

799
01:05:36,320 --> 01:05:40,871
— Are you all right, sweetheart?
- I've never felt better in my life.

800
01:05:42,800 --> 01:05:45,269
She's a love, isn't she?

801
01:05:57,360 --> 01:06:00,751
Well... What do you reckon?

802
01:06:03,600 --> 01:06:06,319
She's like a work of art.

803
01:06:07,760 --> 01:06:11,913
Yeah. Lovely jubbly.

804
01:06:34,120 --> 01:06:37,192
What are you gonna call her?

805
01:06:37,360 --> 01:06:40,193
I don't know yet.

806
01:06:40,360 --> 01:06:44,752
Me and Cass had this agreement.
If it was a boy, she'd name him.

807
01:06:44,920 --> 01:06:50,791
— If it was a girl, I could name her.
— You're not going to hold me to that?

808
01:06:52,560 --> 01:06:54,039
Oh, yeah.

809
01:07:12,920 --> 01:07:16,709
What were you saying on the phone
about Uncle Albert?

810
01:07:16,880 --> 01:07:20,760
Oh, I'll explain it all later.

811
01:07:20,920 --> 01:07:26,711
ALL I'L say is the auctioneers can go
and stuff themselves 'cause we are staying put.

812
01:07:36,080 --> 01:07:37,559
Del.

813
01:07:55,200 --> 01:07:57,669
A work of art.

814
01:07:59,080 --> 01:08:01,674
Yes, you are.

815
01:08:30,400 --> 01:08:34,189
Did you love him? Did he love you?

816
01:08:36,880 --> 01:08:41,113
I hope he made you happy.
You know...a few laughs.

817
01:08:44,360 --> 01:08:46,954
I've got two photos of you.

818
01:08:47,960 --> 01:08:51,476
But that's it. That's my past.

819
01:08:52,320 --> 01:08:56,553
My history is two photos. One of them's blurred.

820
01:08:58,920 --> 01:09:01,753
Don't matter.

821
01:09:05,480 --> 01:09:08,472
I hope she'll be as lovely as you.

822
01:09:08,640 --> 01:09:11,109
Well, she will.

823
01:09:14,200 --> 01:09:18,910
I wish I'd known you. I wish we'd had...

824
01:09:20,720 --> 01:09:23,553
Well, you know, something to...

825
01:09:23,720 --> 01:09:26,792
(CAR APPROACHING)

826
01:09:26,960 --> 01:09:29,679
Just something.

827
01:09:37,680 --> 01:09:41,230
If you bump into Uncle Albert, say thanks.

828
01:09:45,480 --> 01:09:50,077
There you are, Rodney.
I've been looking for you.

829
01:09:50,240 --> 01:09:54,837
I thought I'd take her out for a walk.
Did a bit of tidying up.

830
01:09:57,840 --> 01:10:01,196
She's a little heartbreaker, eh?

831
01:10:02,480 --> 01:10:05,950
— Have you got a name for her yet?
- Mm.

832
01:10:30,680 --> 01:10:33,149
Joan. Do you like your name?

833
01:10:37,080 --> 01:10:39,549
Del, can I ask you a question?

834
01:10:42,000 --> 01:10:44,389
What's that?

835
01:10:46,520 --> 01:10:51,230
Other than looks, was he like me in any way?

836
01:10:52,400 --> 01:10:56,758
- who?
- You know who. Freddie Robdal.

837
01:10:58,400 --> 01:11:00,391
My father.

838
01:11:02,520 --> 01:11:07,151
Freddie the Frog was a professional burglar.

839
01:11:07,320 --> 01:11:09,630
He was disloyal to his friends.

840
01:11:09,800 --> 01:11:13,475
He was a womaniser,
a home—breaker, a con man,

841
01:11:13,640 --> 01:11:16,678
a thief, a liar and a cheat.

842
01:11:18,160 --> 01:11:22,950
So, no, Rodney, you're nothing like him.

843
01:11:26,440 --> 01:11:29,512
Come on. Let's go home, bruv.

844
01:11:46,680 --> 01:11:50,674
— Can I ask you a question, Rodders?
— Fire away.

845
01:11:50,840 --> 01:11:53,639
Where did that runway come from?

846
01:11:53,800 --> 01:11:56,918
(LAUGHTER)

847
01:11:57,080 --> 01:11:59,640
I don't fancy making that film any more.

848
01:11:59,800 --> 01:12:03,839
You know what, Rodders?
That's a bloody good idea.

849
01:12:09,640 --> 01:12:13,156

and miles and miles of carpet tiles

850
01:12:13,320 --> 01:12:16,312


851
01:12:16,480 --> 01:12:19,233

what's—their—names and at a push

852
01:12:19,400 --> 01:12:22,279

from a mush in Shepherd's Bush

853
01:12:22,440 --> 01:12:25,114


854
01:12:25,280 --> 01:12:28,079


855
01:12:28,240 --> 01:12:31,437


856
01:12:31,600 --> 01:12:34,353


857
01:12:34,520 --> 01:12:39,037


858
01:12:39,200 --> 01:12:42,158


859
01:12:42,320 --> 01:12:45,199


860
01:12:45,360 --> 01:12:47,715


861
01:12:47,880 --> 01:12:51,316


862
01:12:51,480 --> 01:12:54,836


863
01:12:56,120 --> 01:12:57,918


864
01:12:59,200 --> 01:13:00,998


865
01:13:02,320 --> 01:13:03,958